Belichick Blames Welker’s Mustache for Super Bowl Loss

Sports history is full of scapegoats like Steve Bartman, Bill Buckner, Chris Webber, and most recently Billy Cundiff have all taken their fair share of media hazing as a result of a sports related incident. Especially when their seems to be no answer for a poor performance the instinctual action is to blame someone else, to find a scapegoat. New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick may have just found his.

In an interview following his teams 21-17 loss against the New York Giants in the Super Bowl Belichick called out the player, or more specifically the object, that caused his team to lose. “We had great practices all week,” he stated at the beginning of the interview. “But when it came to game time we just did not perform. I think the reason is pretty obvious, it’s Wes Welker’s gross mustache. That thing is a beacon and an obvious distraction for our players. I often found myself staring at it throughout the game, and I can only imagine that my players did the same.”

It’s true that Welker’s mustache is in fact disgusting, and an atrocity to upper lip hair everywhere, but was it really that big of a distraction? The answer is astoundingly ‘yes.’

Confirming the accusation was Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, who stated that his incomplete pass on the Patriots first play, which resulted in a penalty/safety, was a result of him being entranced by the ‘stache and losing track of what was going on.

“I went back to pass and I saw Wes on a cross route, then I saw it, the ‘stache. From their I don’t remember much I just sort of tossed the ball. Even while being hit I was staring at the mustache. I didn’t want to admit it at the time to coach, but that’s what happened.”

For a quarterback who never makes mistakes it was a reasonable explanation. But for Belichick it’s reason for investigation. Less than a day after the loss Belichick has reportedly already contacted the NFL to investigate possible tampering charges by the Giants, more specifically paying off Welker to grow out his facial hair. Whatever the case Belichick took matters into his own hands, tackling his receiver on the plane ride home and removing the cursed mustache. The clean-shaven Welker refused to comment about his missing mustache.

At least his mustache proves that he just looks like he’s eleven years old. Massey out.

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