10 Places you do NOT Want to Find Yourself in – North American Edition

Welcome to “10 Places you do NOT Want to Find Yourself in”!  In this segment, we will be taking a brief tour of some of the worst places to be in all of North America.  Granted, this is not a comprehensive list; there are still many other places that I would not recommend visiting.  With that said, it’s time for #10 on the Top 10 places to not visit in North America!

(Note to the lawyers hired by the places mentioned here to sue me: This is satire, comedy, humor, and a dozen other words to describe me being funny.  I don’t want any lawsuits: For the record, most of this isn’t true.  Especially the part about Canada.  I don’t want the lawyers of an entire nation after me, after all!)

10. Kooskia, Idaho

Welcome to Kooskia, the one town that I hate more than my hometown. Nah, just kidding.

Ok, so this is possibly my weakest argument, but I had to start somewhere.  During the 4 days I spent in the Kooskia Munisipal Jail, and the further 2 weeks I spent here until my assets were unfrozen and I was allowed to go home, I got to know the town and it’s surroundings very well.  Take my word for it; the most entertaining thing I did while in Kooskia was touring a potato farm.  Yes, that’s right.  Potatoes.  It’s THAT boring.  On the bright side, for being a suspected hijacker, my time in the jail there was suprisingly lax.  I wouldn’t mind getting arrested again in Kooskia.

9. New Jersey (the entire state)

Ok, so I'm exaggerating a little. Big deal.

Ah, New Jersey.  AKA the dump of New England.  This picture is only a rough exaggeration, I’m being completely serious right now.  I have been to New Jersey, and I’m just sad that there is no way I can UNGO there.  I mean, come on!  There are approximately 1100 people per square mile in New Jersey, and I don’t care HOW outgoing you are, you are bound to be sick of it sooner or later.

8. Far Northern Greenland

Imagine what would happen if all of this melted...

And now for a completely different kind of hell.  As opposed to the overcrowding in New Jersey, the population density is a nice and roomy .067 square miles per person.  That’s almost 15 square miles per person.  Good luck trying to walk over to your neighbor’s house without freezing to death.  Along those same lines, the climate’s none too nice either.  I did some research on it, and it turns out the average temperature on the northern coast is COLD.  That’s what it’s listed as in every source I could find.  COLD.  Wikipedia, Google, Encyclopedia Britannica, Yahoo! Answers, all of them.  COLD. That doesn’t exactly instill confidence.

7. Three Mile Island

Welcome to Cancer Island...

In case you aren’t familiar with it, Three Mile Island is the site of a nuclear reactor that melted down back in 1979.  About the only thing that I could think of that’s still there is cancer-causing radioactivity.  That’s a big reason not to go there; no one wants cancer!  Seriously, think about it for a moment.

Done thinking?  See what I mean?  You don’t want to go there.  I knew you’d come around.

6. Drowning in a vat of Heinz Ketchup

The real question is how I got into the vat in the first place...

I… don’t want to talk about it.  I can still taste the ketchup, no matter what I’m eating.

5. Marble Island

Nothing lives here, and you'll be cursed for visiting. Fun. Though, I suppose if you like solitude...

Well, there are a few things wrong here.  For one, this island is in the middle of the Hudson Bay.  So, though not as cold as Greenland, it’s not shorts-and-a-tee-shirt weather, I’ll say that much.  Furthermore, as you can likely see in the picture, it’s completely uninhabited.  Not a person in sight.  Well, except the Inuit in the summertime, but that brings up another interesting point.  According to them, anyone who doesn’t crawl ashore will die in a year.  Whether or not that’s true, it’s enough to make me want to schedule my travel plans elsewhere.

4. Centralia, Pennsylvania

A ghost town, slowly descending into a flaming pit... Maybe they need a weight limit?

AKA The world’s greatest sinkhole.  No really; there’s been a massive fire raging in the mines under the town for 50 years, and the escaping carbon monoxide gas (which causes it’s own fair share of problems) is causing the town to sink.  An entire town is sinking into the ground.  Well, really a ghost town, seeing as there aren’t very many people left in Centralia, only a dozen, tops.  So no, I would not recommend coming here.  Honestly, I’d rather die of a creepy Inuit curse on Marble Island than descend into a fiery mine as an entire town collapses around me.  No thanks, I don’t do fire.  Too hot.

3. Arizona Desert

I'm not sure what's worse: Watching a town descend into the flames, or wishing you could be there too. I mean, dehydration is a really crappy way to die. I'd want any way out I had.

If you like isolated, this might be the place for you, although I suppose I’d suggest Greenland over it.  There’s not a whole lot going on in the desert.  Really hot during the day, really cold at night, no water, and a bunch of mountains you’d have a hell of a time climbing without the proper gear (which I doubt you’d have if you found yourself in the Arizona Desert).  In fact, I’ve heard reports of someone who almost died out here, only to be saved by Arnold Palmer…  I wonder where I heard that.  It had to have been on some reputable source, because people don’t just MAKE STUFF UP… Oh, wait, never mind.  I guess that does happen.

2. Roswell, New Mexico

Please don't take me! I don't taste good!

The land of the alien abduction, Roswell has constantly been under the scrutiny of UFO enthusiasts everywhere.  On one side, you have the aliens.  Assuming for a moment that they do exist, I’m not exactly comfortable with the idea of being abducted by little green men.  On the other side, there are the obnoxious alien-obsessed people that will try to cram their alien conspiracy theories down your throat.  Either way, you lose.

1. Canada

Oh Canada. Why did you have to spawn the greatest annoyance to ever live?

I’ve spent weeks thinking about this.  No, really.  And it finally dawned on me why I hate Canada so much.

Justin Bieber.  He, AKA the worst “singer” ever, in all of history, and for forever, was born in Canada.  That’s plenty enough of a reason to stay FAAAAAAAAAAAR away from Canada.  That’s right.  He’s worse then death, worse than taxes, worse than Inuit curses, flaming mines consuming towns, alien abductions, or any of that.  Stay FAR away.

After quite a lot of pondering, I have come to a conclusion.  I was going to pay for my editor to take a nice (one way) trip up here after a stunt that he pulled recently, but I think I’m going to let it slide.  Not even he deserves this much torment.

Well, this has been the Top 10 Places you do not want to visit in North America.  Tune in next time, when we give you the Top 10 Places not to visit – Southeastern Cambodia edition.  And remember everyone, support the ketchup industry.  It’s only through all of our support that they will buy vats with lids on them.


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5 thoughts on “10 Places you do NOT Want to Find Yourself in – North American Edition

  1. Pingback: 10 Things You Did Not Know, But Now You Do (But Did You Pay Attention?) « News4Mass

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