How to Get a Girlfriend

Have you ever wondered how to get a girl to be sexually interested in you? Have you ever wanted to escape the “friend zone”? Then sit back, relax and get ready for the answer to this mind-blowing enigma. I have a little riddle for you—what is tall, tan, handsome and has a girlfriend? The answer is me. And you too can have a girlfriend; all you have to do is follow these steps and add a little of your own sugar and spice and let the magic begin.

In order to get a girlfriend, you have to flirt—and you have to be a pro at it. I am not talking about going up and hitting her with some corny pickup line. I am talking about walking up to this fine-looking female (with confidence) and hitting her with compliment after compliment and then, BAM, a clever, well-thought out pickup line! She will not even know what hit her, but she will love it. The thing is, though, flirting is not just some walk in the park! It takes time, planning, and practice. A quick word of advice—if you have a sibling, regardless of how awkward it is, practice on them. It is a win-win situation—if it works, then you have solid gold material to use on the ladies; if it does not work, the rejection will not sting as much because it is your sibling! As I said earlier, it all starts with your approach. If you want to make this foxy lady your foxy girlfriend, you have to walk toward her with a confident strut (but make sure your strides are even and not too spaced out). She needs to know that you mean business! You have to have an intensity that burns like the fires of Hades in your loins (look sexy and smile with your eyes). Once you are in the presence of your future counterpart, do not waste time. Lock eyes and compliment her. Then gaze at her innocently for a couple seconds. That is right, bust out the old puppy dog eyes and then walk away. She will think that you truly meant it and that you were not just trying to hit on her (even though that is OBVIOUSLY what you were doing). She will quickly chase after you and she will want to engage in conversation, for she is clearly interested in you. When you start the conversation you have to tell her your name, your line of profession (this is no time to be modest, make yourself look Christ-like), and a sad story involving you saving an animal (the cuter, the better), performing CPR on it and having it die in your arms. As she is crying from your dismal tale, comfort her and show off a little more of your sensitive side (it cannot hurt to break into tears yourself). While she is still grief-stricken, compliment her eyes as you wipe away her tears. Then hit her with the sweetest pickup line that you can think of (it works best to plan this out beforehand; if you really need to, think it up while you are comforting her). Your goal is to melt her heart with your words. After all of this, make up a reason to leave (for example: you have to wake up early the next day so you can volunteer at a Children’s Hospital), tell her that you want to continue your conversation on another night over dinner and ask for her number. That way, you can contact her for a future date.

Before entering the dating world, one has to make certain preparations. Appearance is a key component when trying to attract somebody of the opposite gender. It does not matter if your mother thinks you are beautiful on the inside, because all that means is that you are ugly on the outside. Now, I am not saying that if you are ugly, nobody will ever be interested in you, but it sure does not help. That is, unless you are trying to pick up blind girls. But, back to my original point—appearance is key to impressing women. You can try to look like a Hollister model and have a super duper cool faux-hawk, drench yourself in cologne and wear a BA polo, but that generally will not really help you unless you are trying to pick up a guy named Lance. You can also try wearing skinny jeans and a v-neck, but girls are not usually attracted to guys that are more sterile than a prepubescent boy. You may think I am being kind of harsh, but dating women is a tricky game; one wrong move and you are eating by yourself at Applebee’s, and NOBODY wants to eat alone at Applebee’s. I personally suggest getting a fresh haircut the day of your first date. Play it safe, get a professional looking haircut. Nothing that screams, “Hey, look at me!” or “I am better than you”. Arrogance is not the best route to take when trying to find somebody to accompany you for the rest of your life. If you really want to impress your date, show up with a dress shirt and tie; nothing too fancy, just something to show that you are about to show her a night of whimsical wonder and fine dining. Make sure you having matching pants and shoes to go with your shirt and tie. If you want to look a little more casual and seductive, do not be afraid to loosen the tie, unbutton the top couple of buttons, and roll up the sleeves—it shows that you are not uptight and you are willing to go with the flow. Now that you have selected an award-winning wardrobe, you can move on to focusing on other necessities, such as methods of transportation or location of the date. As for transportation, keep it professional. Again, not fancy but not cute either (save the tandem bicycle for another time). As long as it has four wheels and an engine, you should be good to go (having other perks such as doors, seats and a steering wheel come in handy too). When picking a restaurant, one must be cautious. First of all, fast food establishments do NOT count as restaurants. You might also want to stay away from places where the cheapest item on the menu is a forty dollar lobster (I mean seriously, have you ever had lobster that was REALLY worth forty dollars?). Look for a classy joint—perhaps a Red Robin or Granite City (Note: Hooters is not considered a classy joint).

Once you have decided upon where you would like to treat your lady to fine dining, you have to “go in for the kill”. In other words, you have to make this desirable gal your life partner. If you thought it was challenging up to this point, get ready to have your brain figuratively blown out of your skull by the knowledge you are about to obtain. This situation can be the stickiest of the icky. Many have tried and many have failed. I am sad to inform you that some have even perished. Do not succumb to the trepidation though! This turmoil can be avoided, as long as you stay calm and take things slow. After you pick up your future wife in your automobile, take her for a nice stroll to the restaurant of your choice and enjoy your moderately-priced meal, it is time to get a little more serious. As you may already know, I am talking about ordering dessert. Ordering dessert is a delicate process, as well as a delicatessen process. When ordering dessert, one must select a dessert choice that satisfies the needs of both you and your acquaintance. Price is not a factor when choosing a dessert; it is all about the quality of your confection. Choose wisely, for this can be a deal breaker with your romantic companion. It would be wise to confer with the lady that you are treating to this divine meal to see what satisfies her taste buds (regardless of what you prefer, go with whatever she wants to eat). Once you both have finished (and enjoyed) your elegant meal and dessert, make sure you tip a generous twenty percent to your waiter. It makes you look like a big-hearted fellow. On your way home, park a couple blocks away from her house. Take her for a luxurious stroll through the local park (Note: If it is cold, do the old “lend her your jacket” trick. It works every time). After you have made your way back to her humble abode, go in for the goodnight kiss on either the cheek or the forehead (your choice). Tell her you had an extraordinarily lovely time and that you would like to do this again, if she’s willing (trust me, if you follow all of these steps carefully, she will be willing). Once you have said your goodbyes and she has entered her home, gather small pebbles to throw at her window (Note: Emphasis on pebbles. Rocks or other large objects are not acceptable. The goal is to get her attention, not shatter her windows). When she approaches the window and opens it to see what it is that you want, break into a romantic melody (Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond or Build Me Up Buttercup by The Foundations are both personal favorites. They tend to have positive reactions). Then blow her a kiss and scamper off to your vehicle before the neighbors notify the proper authorities of a disturbance. Wait AT LEAST two days, then call her up that evening just to check up on her and have a pleasant conversation about her day and her job. The next day, call her again and ask her if she would be interested in going on a second date. For the second date, make it a little more interactive. Dinner is fine, but focus more on another activity to keep things interesting. Might I suggest staying away from horseback riding, for it can result in becoming a quadriplegic. Choosing an activity in which there are no apparent winners or losers and your only intention is to have fun is generally the best. Perhaps you could plan a whole day of activities including an afternoon picnic (this is where spending years of your life watching god-awful cooking shows with your mother will finally pay off). Make sure that you are showing an evident interest in your date (hopefully she will be showing interest as well). Do not be too forward. You do not want her thinking that your only intentions are to have a strictly physical relationship (Note: Do not take tips on picking up girls from Jersey Shore). After your riotous day of activities and mind-blowingly awesome picnic, it is time to go back to your lover’s house. When you arrive upon your destination be ready to make the magic happen. This is what you have been working toward for days. This is the real deal. This is where it all pays off. You are finally going to ask this girl to be your lawfully wedded girlfriend (perhaps this is not proper terminology but that is not important). There are a few approaches you can take to do this. You can get down on one knee, grab her by the hand (kiss it, of course) and ask her to be your lady. You could also hold her hands, gaze into her eyes seductively and ask her if she would like to be your gal pal. If you are really feeling confident, you can just wing it and be yourself (But since when does being yourself work? The answer is never). If you ask your affectionate friend to become more than friends and she rejects you; go to the local supermarket, buy a half gallon of ice cream, go home, swallow sadness and spend the rest of the night watching romantic comedies by yourself while eating your half gallon of ice cream and crying about how pitiful you are. Then, go out the next night, find a new woman and repeat steps one through three.

If your lady friend accepted your gracious offer to become your girlfriend, then congratulations! You have now found your soul mate. You now have a reason for living and things just could not be any better for you. Trying to get a girlfriend can be a very difficult and heart-wrenching procedure, but if successful, it is worth all the blood, sweat and tears that were shed in the process. My methods may be a little unorthodox, but they are basically immaculate.

2 thoughts on “How to Get a Girlfriend

  1. Pingback: 10 Things You Did Not Know, But Now You Do (But Did You Pay Attention?) « News4Mass

  2. Pingback: Time-Traveling 50s Swingers Appear in Dance Club « News4Mass

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