Alright, here I am again! And because it looks like I’m going to have to up my article output in order to maintain my #2 spot on the News4Mass team (not that that’s a real thing that really exists or anything), I have stumbled upon something that you all may or may not need to know at some point in the distant future (or past, if you roll that way. Hey, I’m not biased against your temporal preferences).
So anyway, I am going to the Milwaukee School Of Engineering (big fancy private engineering college) in the fall, and I have qualified (but not necessarily received) for their full-ride scholarship. I was required to write an essay about the best advice I have ever received. Now, the advice that I chose actually is completely irrelevant to this article, but that got me thinking: why not spread some wonderful advice to all you good people? So that is what I plan to do. So, here we are, ladies and gentlemen, the Top 5 best pieces of travel advice that you will EVER receive from anyone, EVER!
5. Never eat the glowing green snow
Ok, so I know you are all aware that you should never eat the yellow snow, for obvious reasons. But there is a far more potent threat lurking in the shadows. Now, I know you’re all going to say, “why would snow be glowing green?” Simple. Radioactivity. And then, I also know that you will come back at me with, “but Nathan, radioactivity is only portrayed that way in really crappy, old movies and cartoons, how can we look out for it if it really doesn’t glow like that?” Also simple. I have dispatched roving teams of News4Mass secret agents and master surgeons, who are traveling from house to house in the middle of the night, knocking people out and replacing their retinas with special lenses that display radiation as a green glow. Never mind that this is costing me a fortune. I’m doing it for the people, damnit!
4. Intentionally contract Sickle-Cell Anemia before going to a country where malaria is a threat.
Hehehe, screw you malaria. Everyone knows that this is the best, and most effective way to fight malaria. There is absolutely no way that anything could be better, or less painful, than this method. Nothing. And don’t even give me that crap about how sickle-cell isn’t something that you can just contract. I don’t care, and I won’t be having anyone poke holes in my logic any further.
3. Fly as many hydrogen-filled blimps as you can over the Middle East
Seriously, though, there are a ton of guns and fighting, and various other things that are dangerous to all objects that are simultaneously flying and filled with explosive gas. People with guns who think it would be funny or a big kick to the collective face of the west to shoot down a certain person’s hydrogen-filled balloon. Not to mention the explosion that would follow. Just, do us all a favor and don’t do it. Trust me, it isn’t worth dying over.
2. Make sure you carry no less than 4 guns into all airports in which you try to board a plane
Your job is simple. Make the TSA’s life a living hell. These useless, over-payed failures deserve to deal with a million people carrying guns on planes, just to spite them. No, I’m kidding, of course. But the TSA really does have this uniquely powerful ability to make me furiously angry. Now, if you will all excuse me for a bit, I think I need to go calm down, or I’m going to have to go up to Madison and release my rage against the TSA.
***Several Hours Later***
Well, that went better than expected. I just hope you weren’t planning on traveling into or out of Madison via airplane for a while, I hear they shut it down after a mysterious series of explosions at the security checkpoints. Weird, I know.
1. Scribble “Death to the USA” all over your passport and all legal documents
I think this one is pretty self-explanatory, so I won’t go over it any further. It would certainly earn you some brownie points in the middle east, though.
So, that’s that. Just remember these 5 tips, and you’ll have a great time traveling. Well, you might. I guess…
On second thoughts, maybe you should disregard all of this. Just follow #5. Glowing green snow is still bad.
Good luck out there.