Kids These Days…

And I can't even set the clock on my VCR...

I swear. I just don’t understand kids these days, as well as the environment they’re being brought up in. They’re being deprived of the wonderful childhood that we (and by we, I mean those of us around the age of 18) had! What can I do? Hmmmm……I think I might write an article on it! Yes! That’s a brilliant idea! So it’s time for me to put on my old man hat and go on an angry rant about children. And they’d all better stay off of my front lawn!

I think that the biggest downfall for kids in this day and age is the lack of great, classic children’s movies and television shows. For instance, I was watching The Lion King (don’t hate), and my 10 year-old sister walked into the room. She promptly picked up the remote and said, and I quote, “The Lion King is stupid. Let’s watch Hannah Montana.” Needless to say, I’m now awaiting a court date for my hearing on assault and battery of a minor. Worth it. But anyways, back to the matter at hand. The fact here is that kids today don’t have any great movies or shows that will help to define their childhood, and I’m looking at you Disney! When my generation was a bunch of young’ns, we had The Lion King, Aladdin, The Little

Oddly enough, my recesses in elementary school were nothing like this.

Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Doug, Recess, and a bunch of other movies and shows that weren’t just good programming; they were good for the soul. Though we really didn’t notice it at the moment, and we still may not notice it now, they were teaching us to be better people. Now, the Disney Channel features a large number of shows about famous children, showing our kids that the quickest way to become accepted in society is to become popular. They’re turning our kids into communists! Oh uh…….Sorry. I got a little too “old manish” for a moment there. But you get what I’m saying: it’s unavoidable that children will spend an extraordinarily large amount of time in front of the TV. Make sure that what they’re watching is awesome.

It was all fun and games until someone stepped on one of these in bare feet.

Another thing that’s destroying the fabric of America…I mean, another thing that’s ruining our children is the objects they’re given access to. Every time I see a nine year-old kid with an iPhone, I just have to shake my head a little bit. Or a lot. But then people give me strange looks, so we stick with a little bit. But seriously, why would a small child need an iPhone, or any phone for that matter? What, do they have an important date with the board of directors on their newest business proposal that would net them millions of dollars that they can’t be late to and their iPhone is their only means of remembering said important date? Chances are probably not. And even if the aforementioned situation happened, why wouldn’t they just have a secretary keep their appointments for them? I mean, after all, they can afford an iPhone. But again, I digress. I would like to mention that we were normally happy with simple things back in the good old days. I received Legos every year for Christmas from the ages of five to thirteen, and I was the happiest kid on the planet. I could make the things I wanted from these little blocks, and I was only restrained by my imagination. And gravity. And the fact that there were never enough long pieces for me to ever make something completely awesome and huge. But you see what I’m saying? We made do with simple things, and today’s children aren’t satisfied with complex items given to them. Oh boy….

Well, the nurse is telling me that it’s time to go play bingo with the other people again. I hope I don’t have to sit next to Ellis this time. She cheats by using multiple bingo cards, and I can never get the caretakers to believe me. Now where did I put my teeth?…

And this is why today’s children (and through the transitive property, we) can’t have nice things.

Chris James

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