Do Bananas Cause Cancer? Wait, What? Says Researchers

By MC Martel

Putting to rest minutes of speculation, the FDA released a strongly worded, question-mark laden email Monday, re-stating the message that bananas, the fruit that makes you uncomfortable to eat, are not a beacon for cancer and other deadly diseases. The email and subsequent statement by Marsha Redding, director of the World Health Organization, were intended to counter the growing concern over Internet-based rumors that bananas had spent the better part of a decade secretly infecting people with everything from athlete’s foot to more athlete’s foot.

The backlash against bananas began in late October, when the website posted a link on their message board, which questioned why bananas had never been investigated as a source of major worldwide illnesses. Companies such as Dole and Chiquita were questioned by local authorities, but no further investigations took place. Things remained quiet until two weeks ago, when a large billboard bearing the words “BANANAS = CANCER?” appeared over the Santa Monica freeway. The sign was quickly removed, but panicked drivers, many of them consuming bananas on their morning commute, were sent into frenzy, flooding local radio stations and phone lines with panicked calls and requests for information from WebMD. In a questionable move, the Banana Council of America decided to capitalize on the opportunity to improve its public image by dropping several bushels on bananas on communities across the entire southern California coast line. Dozens were injured, but the real damage was inflicted on the bananas themselves, which after crushing people, were smashed into inedible pieces. In a teleconference with Ms. Redding Sunday evening, she expressed shock that bananas could be associated with diseases, and anger that people were allowing the story to continue drawing attention. To quote Ms. Redding:

“Of course bananas don’t cause cancer. What the hell is the matter with you people?”

We here at News4Mass dug a bit deeper, and it seems the website is actually a subsidiary of the American Peach Growers Association. We contacted the APGA and asked why they would financially support a website that published questionable information slandering a fellow fruit product without hard evidence. Gary Richardson, spokesman for the APGA, answered our questions by questioning why an organization associated with peaches would use a domain name that clearly favors strawberries. He then suspiciously narrowed his eyes, moved them from side to side quickly, and offered us a free mouse pad. While we may never understand the complexities of the fruit industry, we can state with almost 45% certainty that bananas will not give you cancer. Coming next week: Do Bananas Cause Obesity? Researchers refuse to talk to us.

Too legit to vote for a 3rd party,

MC Martel

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One thought on “Do Bananas Cause Cancer? Wait, What? Says Researchers

  1. Pingback: Zombie Runnings! The Coolest 5K Idea Ever « News4Mass

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