Let’s Get Marteled!

From time to time, MC Martel’s email inbox gets overcrowded. After sifting through the spam, porn offers, and instant mashed potato coupons, a few reader questions emerge (many times included in the porn offers.) This is the forum where the questions from you, the reader, get answered.

By MC Martel

You may be asking yourself, intrepid reader, why I haven’t had an email response column since last year. What a stupid question. It’s obvious I forgot the password to my email account, thereby making it impossible to read your inane, finger-paint based comments. Since there has been a bit of a gap between my responses, I’ll do my best to answer all the questions you’ve asked during the past 4 months. But no Chat Roulette questions. I’ve made it very clear I’m not going down that road again. Let’s light this candle!

Dear MC Martel,

How’s your New Year’s Resolution coming along?

-Brian from Swampscott (Dated January 29th)

Hey Brian, thanks a million for dredging up the memories of another failure in my life. I’m smelling an early favorite for Asshole of the Week. IT’S YOU, BRIAN!

Dear  MC Martel,

How exactly are we supposed to celebrate Abraham Lincoln’s birthday?

-Michelle from Mt. Horeb (Dated February 10th)

Celebrating most presidential birthdays are easy. You simply sexually harass someone and then use your incredible wealth and power to make the story go away. But Lincoln is a different case. This is the man that re-unified the United States, freed the slaves, and gave one of the greatest speeches in American history. He stood up for the American federal government while reaching across the aisle for bi-partisan cooperation. Here’s what you do: Grow a beard and have yourself a tuna fish sandwich with a tiny American flag toothpick stuck in the middle.

Dear MC Martel,

Why do we have February 29th only once every four years?

-Cheryl from Toledo (Dated February 28th)

Because Big Calendar (a subsidiary of Big Oil) is too cheap to print every date on every calendar every year. It’s also my wife’s birthday, and I pay the calendar companies a considerable fee to leave that date off, which confuses my wife and allows me to avoid buying her a gift and precludes me from being nice to her.

Dear MC Martel,

This Herman Cain train is unstoppable! Cain 2012!

-H. Cain from Cincinnati (Dated February 1st, 2012)

You poor, crazy, fantastic man. Please come back to us. It doesn’t have to be as a politician. I need a new barber. We need a new Shamwow guy. America is crying out for a hero, but not one that will have any kind of real influence or impact. That hero could be you, Mr. Cain. But so we’re clear, you won’t be making any real decisions of importance. Because you’re terrible at that. But we still love you. And we miss you.

Dear MC Martel, 

This Newt Gingrich train is unstoppable! Gingrich 2012!

-Ralph from Freeport (Dated March 2nd, 2012)


Dear MC Martel,

What are your thoughts on the upcoming Peaches and the Mann movie? I can’t wait to see it myself!

-Jarrod from Wilmington (Dated April 13th)

Peaches and the Mann is probably the last piece of original material we will ever see come out of Hollywood. If you only have $10 left in your bank account, spend it on this movie. If you were planning to go visit your father/sister/daughter this weekend, cancel that trip and watch the trailer over and over again. If you have any decency in you at all, you will do whatever is humanly possible to see this film multiple times as fast as you can. Having said this, can we discuss the plot holes in this film? Are we really supposed to believe a human woman could fall in love with a non-perishable fruit product? Did that cop just murder a fellow cop and not get punished? Were those fake mustaches? WASN’T THAT PEACHES JOHNSON RUNNING AWAY FROM BILL MANN AND THE CAN OF PEACHES IN THE CHASE SCENE? AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THESE THINGS!?!

Dear MC Martel,

My co-workers and I just received a text message from a disgruntled employee/known serial killer. It simply read, “I’ll kill you all.” Any thoughts on future actions? I’ll wait for your answer.

-Rachel from Bismarck (Dated March 26th)

Hmm, well I have to say I dropped the ball on this one.

Dear MC Martel,

This Mitt Romney train is unstoppable! Aren’t you excited for future President Romney??

-Paul from Orlando (Dated April 14th)

God. No.

Finally, that should be sufficient in keeping you happy for the next few weeks. I’ve made my email password much easier to remember, so we can avoid this unfortunate situation going forward. The key is to use a series of random letters and numbers, instead of family names or words with personal relevance. That way, the terrorists can never hack my personal photo collection. Enjoy the spring, stop fire-bombing my Twitter account, and continue to support pizza with hot dogs in the crust. They may be disgusting to look at and eat, but there is no denying they exist.

Too legit for greasy hand lotion,

MC Martel

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