Your Greatest Questions, Answered

As I was sitting at my computer trying to write a new blog post on 10 things that are better than yoga pants, I ran into a problem. That problem was the fact that I could not think of 10 things that are better than yoga pants. I only came up with three: two involved bacon and the third is oxygen. I asked myself “Why can’t I think of things that are better than yoga pants?” Due to my short attention span, my mind quickly drifted to other great questions that humans have asked. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Who are you? (Who, who? Who, who?) Who DID let the dogs out? Why does M. C. Martel love jorts so much? As my brain was barraged with these questions, I thought that I would try to find the answers to some of life’s other great questions. After less than an hour doing “research” on Wikipedia, I found answers that….well….are answers.

What is the meaning of life?

Just watch the movie, dammit!

First off, I would like to point out that the MEANING of life is different than the ANSWER to life, the universe, and everything, which we all know is 42. No, the MEANING of life (also known as your purpose in life) is a question that humans have asked for many centuries. To find out the meaning of life, you simply have to look at your own life, as this answer will differ from person to person. However, we’re going to assume that, for this example, the person we’re looking at is a 30-something year old male that still lives in the basement of his parent’s home, is single, has a demeaning and worthless job, and does nothing but play Skyrim in his free time. In other words, me in 12 years. Anyways, when I reach that point in life, the meaning of my life (or purpose, if you’d rather, but I don’t really care what you’d rather) will be to show kids an example of what you should definitely NOT be doing with your life. I’d be a tool for learning. But my life would be full of Skyrim, so I could care less. I LOVE SKYRIM, OKAY?! But anyways, if you have trouble finding out the meaning of your life, just watch Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life. Those guys seem to have it figured out.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

For this question, we would have to take a look at the weight and size of the average woodchuck, better

Wood chucks have never been more terrifying.

known as a groundhog. Groundhogs typically grow between 16 and 26 inches long, weigh between 4 and 9 pounds, and can live for up to 6 years. Now then, using statistics that are completely made up by me, let’s say that a groundhog that has been given the ability to chuck wood starts chucking said wood when it reaches the age of maturity (about one year old). If it spends about four hours a day (how much time should be spent chucking wood) chucking wood until its death, that will total about 7,304 hours of wood chucking (and that is assuming that it lives through one leap year). Now, let’s say that a woodchuck can chuck 27.54 pounds of wood in an hour, and that gives us a grand total of 201,125.16 pounds of wood chucked by a woodchuck in it’s lifetime. And that’s what happens when you make shit up.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?

All of it.

If a tree falls in the forest, and it lands on a mime, does anyone care?

I hope you really weren’t expecting some big, profound answer, because you won’t find it here. The simple answer is “no”. No one cares.

Where is Waldo?

I wish I had an answer for certain. All I can tell you at the moment is that he’s on a top-secret mission funded by the Hide N’ Seek Council of the World figuring out the best places to hide in America. By doing extensive work with my good friend Carmen San Diego, we were able to piece together a trail of places that he had recently visited. However, the trail ran cold in a little town in Idaho that may or may not have been visited by our own Nathan Howell. Like I said, nothing can be told, proven, disproven, or barbequed at this point in time. All we can do is sit and wait for our research to turn up something on where the little bastard might be.

Seriously, where the hell do my socks go after I put them in the dryer?

Okay guys, if this is some sort of prank that you’ve decided to start pulling after I replaced Wyatt’s eye drops with clear glue, I understand. I went a little too far, and I’m sorry. However, if this isn’t part of some prank, I have only one other theory as to where the hell my socks keep going. That’s right, I’m talking about the mystical, dimension-traveling, dryer-dwelling, sock-eating monster!

This is a completely accurate depiction of what the sock monster looks like.

The monster that subsists only on socks and takes a delight in making people really confused and slightly hindering their day by making them realize that they had less socks than before! I mean, the first answer is much more likely but the second one sounds so much cooler.

And these questions, children, are why we can’t have nice things.

2 thoughts on “Your Greatest Questions, Answered

  1. Pingback: Editor’s Journal: You CAN’T Be Anything You Want | News4Mass

  2. Pingback: Eye Doctors: Cooler Than Everyone Else | News4Mass

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