How I Saved the Earth (On Earth Day)

By MC Martel

One of the great tragedies of our current culture is the lack of awareness about the important issues. Things like celebrity weddings, sports happenings, and new menu items get the lions share of attention, while women’s rights, the growing inequality gap, and conservation go unnoticed. Well I, for one, am tired of this mentality, and I decided that today was the perfect day to take action. As some of you know, April 22nd is Earth Day, the day when we as Americans are contractually obligated to plant a tree, hijack and crash a bulldozer, and blow up the nearest Hoover-style dam. Having done all those things by 9 am this morning, I would’ve been within my rights to take the rest of the day off, but assuming the rest of you would slack off, I decided to go a step further.  The following are extra measures I took today to ensure this world would be safe for generations to come (while at the same time making you all look like lazy assholes):

1. I didn’t waste one drop of water. Water is an incredibly valuable resource, and one that is wasted every day. And you would be amazed at the amount of activities that waste water: Brushing your teeth. Taking a shower. Flushing the toilet. Washing the dishes. You’ll be happy to know I did none of those things today, and a few I avoided for the entire weekend.

2. I didn’t pollute the atmosphere with vehicle emissions. Driving a car is one of the worst activities for our environment. It produces nearly 51% of all the carbon monoxide found in the atmosphere, and also threatens the general health of the global population. So instead of continuing the destructive trend of earth murder, I laid on the couch all day long and flipped off every person that drove by my house. I think they received the message.

3. I re-watched the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. What does the Charlie Brown Christmas Special have to do with Earth Day, you ask? Everything! If you recall, during the show, Charlie Brown purchases a particularly pathetic Christmas tree, and is ridiculed mercilessly by his friends. By watching this, I recognized that all trees are valuable, even the ugly, tiny ones. I plan on taking that lesson and applying it to both my conservation efforts and my dating life.

So you see, fellow defenders of the environment, it’s simple to do your part (and then some) whenever Earth Day rolls around. And to those of you who feel Earth Day is just some made up holiday in which nothing gets done and a few politicians and celebrities get to feel good about doing the least amount of work possible, I insist you do my taxes next year, because you’re clearly smarter than my current accountant.

Too legit for the Pepto-Bismol theme song,

MC Martel

2 thoughts on “How I Saved the Earth (On Earth Day)

  1. It seems a bit too convenient that your posts stopped just short of the massive recall failure. MC MARTEL IS JOHN DOE!

  2. Pingback: Eye Doctors: Cooler Than Everyone Else | News4Mass

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