Stop Looking Forward to Summer, Damnit!

Spring is most definitely in full blossom. And with schools soon releasing and the temperatures rising there is no doubt an itch within the hard-to-reach area  of society. With each passing millisecond new tweets and statuses are being posted proclaiming each individual’s yearning desire for summer and “tank top weather” or “days by the pool.” As one of the nation’s few remaining realists, I am taking it upon myself to not get caught up in this pre-summer hype.

You of course are asking, why? Why not just enjoy yourself? Let me tell you, for as much awesome as there is in summer there are plenty of reasons to not enjoy it. While you may think a seasonal change is the answer to all your problems, you could not be farther from the truth. Here’s why summer is not all it’s cut out to be, told via an average summer day.

There’s this thing called humidity

Warm temperatures are nice, don’t get me wrong, but there is a caveat that’s with them. It’s a little thing called humidity. Your local forecaster attempts to warn you about it every night on the news, but you never hear it because your eyes have already glazed over looking at the screen that readings tomorrow’s temperature to by 90 degrees! While the meteorologist goes about explaining that tomorrow will be no less than a sauna outside you are formulating plans for skipping work and hanging out with some friends for a picnic or some Frisbee in the park.

Fast forward to the next day. You’re at the park, picnic basket in hand, walking towards your friends (who are ready to Frisbee it up). BUT WAIT, what’s that? Oh, just from walking from your car to your friends you have already soaked through your t-shirt and are now looking like you’ve ran multiple marathons. Go ahead and try to enjoy that picnic whilst dripping in sweat…

The murderous harmony of everyone wearing flip-flops

Good job avoiding the humidity and heading to the mall! Now you can mooch off industrial air-conditioners and watch people devour their weight in cinnamon-sugar pretzels or ice coffees. Since you’re here you might as well head to those massage chairs too; sounds like a relaxing day. Halfway through that deep, relaxing inhale that’s when you hear it.

“Click, Click, Click, Click, Click, Click, Click, Click, Click, Click.”

It’s summer, which also means that it’s flip-flop season. It was bad enough when every woman age pre-adolescent to post-retirement was donning these obnoxious sounding footwear, but now the greater male population has been kidnapped into wearing them as well. Everywhere you look, there they are. The clicking echoes in your eardrums, causing mild insanity (unless you’re wearing a pair, in which case you fail to notice the sound).

I can understand that shoes in summer can be too warm. And I am in no way advising you to wear socks with sandals (though it has been proven that doing so is an effective way of birth control, because you will attract ZERO ladies). Let’s just settle on the fact that flip-flops can be worn in a way that creates minimal sound. As Peter Parker’s uncle once said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Don’t blow it on wearing your sandals ridiculously.

Those “awesome pools” are always crowded

Now that you’ve conformed to the flip-flop trend you might as well throw on some shades and head to that pool you’ve been dying to sit by since January. Nothing would calm you more than taking in some sun rays, feeling your skin go from pasty to lobster, and watching a few children frolic in the water. Oh wait, did you say “a few children?” A better description would be the ENTIRE TOWN’S CHILDREN massacring each other in the water. Because if one child wants to go to the pool on a warm day, every child wants to go the pool on a warm day.

Don’t expect to find an open lounge chair either.

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One thought on “Stop Looking Forward to Summer, Damnit!

  1. You seem very intelligent, and I would love to meet you personally. I think news4mass should go global. Its tear-jerking, eye moving, and really just “blows my mind” I request an article on the obese rate in the United States I would love
    to hear your input.
    -Chicago Tribune

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